ABUSE IN A DREAM

by Cyd Charisse Fulton

Yeah, I may smile or laugh when you ask me about my life,
but I know there isn’t anything funny about it
I’m just tired of cryin’

I hate being rubbed and pumped in my sleep,
but I keep what I hate to myself ‘cause
I’m just tired of lyin’

Silly puddy skin on what feels like a crowbar
scraped the naive paint off my vaginal walls
The sheets are still dryin’

When I was nine, I mounted a man’s lap
to bounce my tender butt to a giggle,
I didn’t know what he was tryin’

My uncle, who I trusted with my life
fingered secrets about my baby core, sadly
he was deceivingly pryin'

Sharp pain between my legs made me
walk like a drunk with a reminder of
foul funk that slithered down nostrils
to gossip with spineless semen

I can still taste the crime
I can still feel the shame
But whose shame? Whose?

My veins tremble when my mother’s man
rides ON and falls OFF of her “I’ll be back soon”
Hell, he dips in deep and licks my pain
like a greedy kid with a spoon

Sixteen, straddlin’ my baby, I slip on ice from
the cold “get out” spit from my mother’s guilt
Runnin from her daggers that say I’m a liar,
humility begs for any bed, pillow and quilt

I want some normalcy.
I want a home.
I want to show my baby new things besides a different couch and ceiling
every other week
I want to fall backwards on MY bed and talk to MY cute boyfriend on MY phone
I want to rest in my own skin and NOT silently scream at the top of my
anguish to be heard
I want my mother’s grin to caress me and care about where I’ve been

My nub bitten fingers tell my secrets
My thighs store self punishment and hopelessness
in each scab from a razor's edge
My need to hug my baby all of the time
exposes where my loneliness is headed

Wherever I end up
I know what I don’t want

I don’t want to always be considered
the girl who needs counselin'
The girl who’s too young to be a mother
The girl who can’t control her own life

I don’t want to feel ugly and smell stink EVEN AFTER I take a bath
After I go to bed and dream of drawin' the blinds and closin' the door
Or after I get washed for school, but can’t leave because
his body is stuck IN and pressing ON mine

Whose shame? Shame is where I live

Where bathroom tiles crumble underneath my agony for his ecstacy
Where angels cover their ears when I’m forced to hear what I like, but I
don’t

My swollen eyes hold unwanted gifts and
splash, “it’s gonna to be okay” on the face
of my glass twin who swallows hard
for a breath of sunshine

Savage secretion puddles down my legs
as I peer at the reflection of tampered me

And I think
And I wish
And I pray
And I know

There’s nothin' wrong with me
I am not the problem
My teeth are good,
my skin like coffee
so I keep on grindin’

Drugs, alcohol and men
soar over my constant pain,
but honestly,
I’m tired of flyin’

I just need some support right now
A head start
So I came to your office this mornin'
As a girl, no, a young lady who IS tryin’

Yeah, I may smile or laugh when you ask me about my life,
but do me a favor, stop listenin' to my mouth
Listen to my eyes